Simon Buckden — Unfiltered!
How many people filter what they show online every day? How many are going to admit that they filter what they show online, through fear of actually showing who they are?
I have been doing it for most of my online life, having battled with low self worth and struggles with loving myself whilst managing severe and complicated mental illness.
It upsets and pains me to admit that I was fearful of showing the unedited version of me, and I know that I only provide a snapshot as thankfully I have n desire to become a Big Brother competitor and have my mundane life shown.
“Be you and embrace your differences as things that make you unique and special. “Different” shouldn’t be considered confusing, negative, or something that divides us. It should be a quality we applaud and admire within ourselves and others.”
― Lily Collins
It has become apparent to me that the more that I tried to fit in and be what I thought might bring me that love that I was craving and acceptance, it was the very thing that was leaving me burdened and deeply unhappy and to the point of not wanting to live.
I hear a lot about Narcissism and the mask that they wear to hide who they really are to people and I have seen it as I was in a relationship with a person that a Therapist suggested that they were a narcissist.
I have also had a mask, not because I want to show the world how amazing I am and what a brilliant life I have, mine has been more about me reducing and negating myself so that I would not shine or stand out in life.
Some of it was to protect me from conflict, I mean I am a 6ft2 bald headed guy and it means that I struggle to not stand out, unless I am in a room with fellow 6ft plus baldies!
Some of it has been that I have been in toxic relationships where I have reduced or lost myself and this article explains far better that I can as I am still learning and understanding through therapy.
I learned to become a submissive and quiet person when that is pretty far from the truth as to who I am and I know this because when I am not in toxic relationships, I slowly return to what I believe is who I actually am.
Many years or those little comments like “Why are you dressing like that” and “why do these people want to talk to you” combined with my own lack of self love, left me a broken shell of a person and one who has spent years trying to learn who I am and allow myself to be who I am and without fear.
In this online era where people feel that they can make any comment that they want about you, I can appreciate why so many want to filter and present a version that might not be mocked, trolled or abused.
It’s my belief that you can present yourself as Mother Theresa or the kindest person on the plant and someone will have a negative view and that is related to their own version of the world and belief system.
Comments used to hurt me to the point of wanting to end my life, and sometimes it felt like people actually wanted me to die and although it is hard, I see it that what they are doing has nothing to do with me.
I also accept and realise that I have done the same behaviour in the past and have been negative and angry and a few people and it is not acceptable as it only highlights something that I am required to look at within myself.
I would not change my life or what has happened and has taken me on this journey of discovery and even prompted me to write this today, If I am not learning I am not moving forwards.
My realisation now is that there will be people that will not like me regardless of whether I have done good or bad and it does not matter to them whether I provide the filtered version or the authentic, unfiltered version.
It is a very empowering place to be when I can now post that picture, or write those words or similar and be happy that it is who I am and that it is all that matters, I mean friends will support me and others will not support me.
“We are all flawed, my dear. Every one of us. And believe me, we’ve all made mistakes. You’ve just got to take a good hard look at yourself, change what needs to be changed, and move on, pet.”
― Lauren Myracle
My flaws have been used against me in the past and I allowed that to happen and I constantly wanted to say “you have it wrong and that’s not me” I accept that some people will point out those flaws for the rest of my life and I say to them “maybe when pointing out other people’s flaw’s, make sure you take a look at your own”
Unfiltered me does not apologise for being who I am, I do not apologise for my past and what I cannot change, I show who I am today and accept that I will have flaws.
My past and the perceptions of a few people can only be held against me if I focus on them and allow them to change who I am and to stop me being unfiltered.
So, my aim now is to show the unfiltered me, the up’s and downs, the positives and negatives, the good days and the bad days, the struggles and the victories.
So, if you want to call me fat, if you want to call me a narcissist, a psychopath, a liar and more, please feel absolutely free to do so.
If you want to tell stories about me that might even be true, if you want to shame me and cause negativity, please do.
I will remind you that whilst you are spending time looking at me, watching me and following me, you might be better looking at that behaviour and asking for professional help like I did.
I accept that I was not authentic, I accept that I lied about parts of my life, I accept that I have done wrong and am taking responsibility.
Are you doing the same? Are you taking responsibility? Are you showing your truthful self online, or are you showing the filtered highlights that tell people that your life is great?
By the way, if your life is great and you are not filtering it, I am absolutely applaud you and admire you as I rarely see it nowadays.
Looking forward to being who I am, my perfectly imperfect self, a vulnerable and flawed man, a man trying to work his way out of a mental illness and moving towards being the best version of me.
You are a human being and are allowed to be imperfect, and you are allowed to be flawed. There is a lot of beauty in your imperfections, in your uniqueness.
Ileana D’Cruz
I leave you with this version of me as I know that many are happy to see me standing in my power and winning and I love and thank you 😍
