I have a mental illness, I am not stupid
I have had mental ill health and struggles for as long as I can remember and it all started in childhood when I grew up in a abusive family home.
I am not going to go into it too much as it is not the point of this post and is for another day.
One of the things that stand out to me and has been a feature of my life was being called “stupid” as a child and that has been a difficult tag to deal with and I can now see how it has followed me into mental illness.
For most of my life, I have berated and blamed myself for things that I did not understand, and I am still learning about my own mental illness every day and because it is so vast, I will be learning and managing for the rest of my life.
I found a useful article that may explain how childhood abuse can affect mental health as an adult and you can read it HERE
People were not required to call me stupid or intimate that I was stupid as I had already believed the words that I had been told as a child and have been more than capable of telling myself over and over.
I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in 2005 by Combat Stress, a Ex Services Mental Health Charity
It gave me a diagnosis and yet, it seemed to create even more questions and pain and it is not coincidence that around that time, my symptoms were some of the most difficult that I have ever experienced and I ended up on a mental health ward in 2006.
It let me on a journey to try and meet other people and I ended up in America in 2008 where I found that discussion of PTSD was far more open than in the UK and It helped me to come back and start to be more open about the struggle.
The issue that I found in the UK was that mental illness was still regarded as something that we did not talk about and nothing like today where we have campaigns and awareness days almost every day.
I had enthusiasm to want to talk to friends, family and other people about what was happening and with the hope that there may be more understanding of something that I was still not fully understanding myself.
What actually happened was not close to what I expected and it was met with what I now see as stigma and a distinct lack of empathy and support.
Some people even spoke to me slowly, similar to how I see some fellow British people talk to some Spaniards when abroad and they do not understand the language.
It felt like I was required to have a t-shirt that said “I am not stupid” I reacted to a lot of it and became pretty despondent and withdrawn, after all it had taken me many years to start to talk about my illness and I was confused as to why there were reactions like this.
Something to remember is that a lot of mental illness is hidden and certainly with stigma, I know that trying to hide symptoms has been the name of the game.
For me, it comes down to empathy and judgement, It can be worthwhile not jumping to conclusions that because a person has a mental illness does not equate to a lack of intelligence and similar to having a heart issue or another severe physical condition does not mean you are stupid.
I try and educate where possible and that can be hard sometimes as I have no clue what type of reaction that I am going to get, however If I do not be transparent about my illness, stigma will continue and the struggle will be even harder.
“I wish people could understand that the brain is the most important organ of our body. Just because you can’t see mental illness like you could see a broken bone, doesn’t mean it’s not as detrimental or devastating to a family or an individual.” Demi Lovato
I urge and ask that you treat mental illness with the same respect that you might treat your loved ones who have a physical condition and that is not to mock, negate and more.
Mental illness is indiscriminate and due to the fragility of life, you may suddenly end up in that place and require the support and kindness of people like me who will listen and give you time.
I am many things, many are very good and some are not so good, however I certainly not stupid and do not deserve to be spoken to or treated like I am.
If you think that a person might have a mental illness, please pause for a moment and think about how you might want to be treated if you had the struggle of mental illness and had been on a very long and difficult journey and was attempting to speak up.
I am not always a fan of the “Be kind” statement that is bounding around at the moment, however in this situation showing kindness and empathy certainly can and does save lives.
I send love and thoughts to my peers who struggle in silence every day and feel ashamed and lonely, you deserve far better.
“Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.”
― Brene Brown
